throughout my twenties

I was trying to figure out how to be a 'normal' human. How to have friendships,
and even romantic relationships with people? How to relate with others.
I was also trying to deal with intense and temporary egoloss experiences
that were frightening to me, because everything would seem to cease to
having the same reality to it, and instead become super-dreamlike
and trippy. But I couldn't just enjoy it, and so I was getting acuptuncture.
I got kicked out of the house I lived with in my mid-twenties because
I didn't do enough chores. Not because of laziness. But because,
so much was going on mentally, in the way of fearful hallucenatory
experiences, as in things becoming trippy and me being resistant to it,
(the world seemed unreal to the point that it was a relief that the house
I lived in was still there to me)
I also felt like i wasn't having relationships with others and so depressed
that it was hard to do chores. I just had alot of social difficulties.
At parties I would get so super nervous that I would sit in a corner by
myself. The acupuncture turned into yoga weekly, then bi-weekly,
then daily. then tai chi instead, sometimes chi gong. And then I learned
vipassana from the school counseling center. I also got counseling,
and then went to an autism specialized psychologist who concurred
that I had alot of the patterns associated with Asperger's Syndrome.
And was trying to help me develope my social skills, for instance suggesting
I dress the part of the social crowds I liked to hang around in. so I started
trying to be fashionable. I always got the feeling women that I liked were
perhaps showing interest in me more then friendship. Numerous examples
of this, but I couldn't figure out what to do about it, or what not to do about it.
In my early twenties,
I tried telling people that I had a crush on them, but that seldom worked.
Though there were a few examples where I was told they felt the same way,
and for several reasons it still didn't turn into anything. I should mention
that on top of the hallucenatory experiences, where the reality of the world
frighteningly ceased to seem so real, or it seemed like the world was in
my imagination, I was terribly phobic and sensations in my body felt like
something was giong wrong, that I was going to have a heart attack, or something
else wasn't working, which also caused terrible panic. This was sort of the background
for being exposed to ramana Maharshi and Self-inquiry. Everything he said made
sense. In the enlightened state, there is no world because there is no one to
experience the world with no ego, there is only Bliss, and the actions go
on harmoniously. I also had a supernatural experience around the teacher
that I currently correspond with, where I could directly experience this fully
in his presence and so a flame-like blur that was very distinct around him.
It reminded me of the flames in ancient Buddha representations. There were
no flames it was a blur like above a fire that was shaped similarly to those
representations. And I could just tell this person was in an permanent
egoless state. So the world is a place that only seems to function smoothly,
and I function smoothly in the absence of egoity. I should also mention, i was
as atheist as everyone around me, but when I read Mere Christianity at the
house I lived at (which was extremely counter-culture), alot of it made sound
sense based on my experiences. Because I felt no way out i surrendered to Christ.
(which is extremely controversial in those scenes I associated with, and not
something I talk about freely). And I don't believe in the stupid stuff, proselytization,
homophobia, nationalism, fascism, etc. those aren't things that are even there. But
I felt like this gesture which is really the same as surrendering to the universe, but
giving it a form. A way of saying, do what you will with me? I decided if I was going
to be Christian I was going to be a smart Christian like a Tolstoy or Dostoevsky,
and even the taboo-quality of this actually seemed a little exciting. But I think it
was this attitude of surrender that brought me in contact with a Realized guru/sage,
and the Self-inquiry teachings of Ramana Maharshi.