Self inquiry journal

Picture (model): The plasma Membrane is what marks the boundary of a cell. It is a 2.5 millionth of an inch thick.

I was thinking about how the hardest part of Self-inquiry is getting off the attachments. The attachments to anything including life, limb and property. As long as there are the attachments, the feeling of dependence on something, it's hard to really dive in and get the pearl (Self-Knowledge) so to speak. To get off the attachment-level, there are two things i focus on. One where is happiness? And calling attention to the non-existence of the problems, desires, fears, objects, in comparison to the Absolute. This is such a difficult, and courageous, threatening step, I feel like, and i would say that for me this is by far the hard part. There is this searching for the source of happiness, as advised by Nome, that is the 1st step, then I start to get more blissful again. Then I try to trace out the seer, the individual, the person, the identity in any thought, experience, expectation, fear, worry, etc. There is still the inquirer, that is what is really being sought out, and traced back to, what and where is the inquirer? Who is the inquirer? Who am I? etc. pointing to the actual I. It's so easy for that I to escape attention, because it, to use the Advaita analogy dresses up like the policeman, pretending to hunt for itself. This is also where inquiry starts to become easy, effortless, effectual, is when I actually start to dissolve the core self-definitions. The tricky part is that the things I'm dissolving are often actually extraneous to that core self who is actually doing the dissolving, so it escapes attention so easily. (Who is this person who thinks they are doing the Inquiry? That's who to get rid of as a delusion) When I'm really successful, sometimes temprorarily, sometimes for longer, there gets to be an intense mental quiet, almost a buzzing, and usually there gets to be this incredible sense of grace, serendipity, synchronicity, one-ness, often for me, the surroundings start to glow, and seem less real, even mildly hallucenatory, solid objects in one place have even seemed to jump a few inches, tricks of the mind at this stage, I've had these tricks of the mind when watching videos of Nome also, and when I saw him in person. While I haven't Realized the Self, which is the substratum, what seems key is that the inquiry hits closer and closer to the mark which is the inquirer. Because unlike some other meditation, it's not a repetitive act, this is probably what Papaji meant by, (paraphrasing), "Do inquiry only once, and do it properly". It seems like it would be possible to do that. When the inquirer escapes attention, the inquiry can be off the mark, strained and repetitive. This is why it seems important to first, as difficult as it can be, especially when sad, or terrified, to establish that happiness wells up from within, and is not dependent as Nome would say on any "mode, or condition". Which to use an analogy, i like to use for myself, means that one could be a jew or gypsy in Auschwitz concentration camp and find this source of happiness and be serene. (see, that is why it is difficult), it takes courage and faith. Note, the courage, and dispassion Papaji had on the train car, with the Muslims shouting "Kill the Hindus, Kill the Hindus". Maharshi had in a vision told him to get on the Muslim train car despite his earings, and OM tatoo on his hand, no one noticed, and he shouted it with them. He was in bliss, not phased, not worried, in the source of happiness, Nome has tried to point out to me. It's become more and more crucial to carry out this Inquiry not only when alone, but in the midst of action, conversation, school work, if I'm doing it correctly, it shouldn't be a problem, because the ego, the individual-self is not real, never existed, and will be found to never exist, what I really am, according to all sages (real ones) is the Self, and not a doer of the actions of the body. The actions of the body will go on, because i wasn't the one doing them in the first place (the identities, persons, all rooted in the ego notion being completely unreal). This is why, as I was corrected, indolence (laziness) does not work for Realizing the Self, or escapism, running off to the forest. Because the only reason I want a break so badly is because I believe, falsely that I am the doer of the actions of the body. In my experience, (still non-realized), I find this also a difficult step to realize, but from what I understand, it's just something to keep in mind. It doesn't mean if I stay at home and do nothing, don't do my homework, that miraculously in the inquiry the body will start doing homework, because the false doer in this case, is the one who believes they are lazy, who believes they are happier doing nothing. My interpretation of this point of non-doership, is that I am not the doer of actions, because the one doing is false, and illusory. That is the point of Self-inquiry, to trace out that delusion, the false person at the core, and destroy them, and continue destroying them until the fortress falls into our hands, then, and only then, it will become apparent, that the false person, personality, story had nothing to do with the actions of the body, because there will be no false notion of an existent person, ego, and yet school work, will continue to get done, basically like losing yourself in the action, but all the time, and there is no person. The Self was what was really there all along, and will continue to be there.